Goodbyes, hellos, and many more tomorrows

Hey All, sorry I haven't posted in a few weeks! I think the thought of writing out my last week in Swaziland and my return home would make me start to process my year there and really realize what I left there. My last week was not the way I thought it would have gone. It went fast, it was busy and I felt like I was trying to fit everything in and there just wasn't enough time to get everything done! Luckily I had a lovely person taking over that eased my leaving a bit. But saying goodbye to the girls was not fun at all and as everything else this past year didn't go as planned. I had planned to be at the home right after the girls got home from school...which I did. One of my girls unfortunately was sick and needed to go to the doctors. So instead of being able to spend 2-3 hours with them before I left I really only got to spend 30 mins to an hour with them. Then, I had to leave, take her to the doctor with Titi, who took my place in the transition between when I left and the next year long volunteer came. After dropping them off at the doctors, I went and said good bye to the boy's homes and heading to the volunteer house to get ready for my last weekend in Swaziland. I spent my last weekend at a music festival called bushfire, with the other volunteers and some Swazi friends. I really enjoyed the weekend and enjoyed spending it with my friends I had made over the year I had been there! It was a good way to end my time in Swaziland. Saying goodbye to everyone there was hard! I hate goodbyes!

So June 3, I got up and took the shuttle at 7 am to the airport. Got to the airport at about 12 pm. Sat around the airport for 6 hours before my flight took off. Took a 10 hour flight to Turkey, had a 2 hour layover, then a 11 hour flight to New York. I landed on Tuesday morning at about 11:20, got through customs much faster than I thought I would and was out by 1145. Waited about an hour for my family and Dustin to get there. It was so great to see them! I don't know how to describe the feeling but it was great being able to see them in person after not seeing them for a year! Then, took a 2 1/2 hour ride home and had a lovely dinner with my family and Dustin's family.

It was a weird feeling being home. It felt completely normal but not at the same time. It's been two weeks since I left Swaziland. I feel like I've been nonstop since then. Seeing and visiting with people and going and doing things, etc. I feel like I haven't had a chance to sit and think about what happens now that I'm home. I am sure I've had times where I could have done that but I've been avoiding it. I felt so purposeful in Swaziland and I'm feeling really purposeless here. I know God has a plan for me now, here in the United States, but I don't know what it is, it's been silent. I think I've been filling my days with other things and haven't taken the time to listen. I'm scared of what he might want me to do. Then, I think of the past year and think what can be more scary then that? haha It feels a bit ridiculous to be afraid after spending the year in Swaziland, Africa. So I just ask for prayers for me to continue to trust God here just like in Swaziland. I know his plan is perfect!

He's taught me so much in my year and I know I'm a changed person because of it! I pray that I stay changed. I'm more confident in who I am in him and more open to his love and sharing his love. I pray he can continue to use me as he used me in Swaziland. I pray that he will continue to be with those girl's and they will continue to feel his love. There is a team from Hosea's Heart Inc. leaving next week (around the 26) to spend a month in Swaziland and the next year long volunteer will be heading over then as well. I pray for safety in their travels and that God would use them to touch the lives of those in Swaziland! I pray that they will show God's love to each person they encounter! I pray that God will guide them in each step they take because God's plan is perfect!

One week to go....Week 47

I can't believe I now only have one week left in Swaziland. This past week was a good week. I did a lot of preparing notes and the files of the girls for our next year long volunteer. I am starting to realize that next week I am heading home and it has given me more of an appreciation for the time that I have with the girls, the other volunteers, etc. I am definitely taking everything in and trying to enjoy the last days I have here. I mean I am really excited to come home and see everyone. But it is definitely a bittersweet feeling. I spent a whole year with these people. They are my second family and it will be hard to leave them!
 The girls are doing well. They started back to school this week and I think it is good for them to get back into the swing of things and it gives them something to do. Things with Tenele are going well. She went to visit her mother this weekend. So it could be the start of rebuilding their relationship. I had a few struggles with our young girl, Sindi, 9 years old. She is learning to follow rules and know her boundaries. I think she didn't have any of that in her life and it is a struggle everyday for her to follow rules and listen! She has definitely tested my patience and I am learning to love her even though she pushes my buttons. Actually, I have really been relying on my past training to work with her on her behavior! It is challenging but I know she doesn't know any better and this whole thing of rules and boundaries and personal space is all very new to her. It is definitely making me grow too. I have one week left and feel like I have a lot to do but am hoping to enjoy my time here before I head home. Prayers for a good last week and a smooth transition for when I come home and for the girls as I leave would be great!

God takes care of his children! (Week 46)

Tenele's story continues. I've written in past blogs about Tenele, but in case you've missed out on them, I will recap. She is one of the girl's in the home, who's had a rough life. She has a child who is almost 18 months and after moving into the girl's home we found out she is pregnant again. The initial reaction from Manzini Youth Care (MYC) is that she can't stay in the home with the baby, meaning she can't stay in the home. The suggestion was that she move home with her mother. So, this week we've had 3 meetings. The first was with the counselor that Tenele has been going to see. She shared that it would be destructive to Tenele's emotional and mental state to send her home. She didn't grow up with her mother and she isn't used to the life out in the rural areas where her mother lives. We concluded that she wouldn't stay with her mother but we needed to talk with the mother and set up a meeting to discuss possibilities of other relatives or what could be done to help Tenele. After this meeting, I was feeling very discouraged and upset about the situation and how it was being handled. There was no compassion in the decisions being made. So, I decided the only thing I could do was pray for God to soften their hearts. That God would make Tenele's situation very real to them. I prayed they would feel the pain and rejection that Tenele felt. The next day we had a meeting with the girl's home board and discussed more the possibilities of what could be options for Tenele. I felt a little better after this meeting, knowing that they weren't going to send Tenele home and I started to see compassion and concern for Tenele. God was truly working through this whole situation. So I continued to pray. So, then on Friday the mother came to MYC. We had the counselor and a Swazi from MYC meet with her. It went very well. God was definitely present in this meeting. I learned the other side of the story from the mother and we finally came up with a plan that seems to be the best for the situation. Tenele will stay in the girl's home until she has the baby. She will then go to a shelter who helps mother's and their children. She can stay there for 6 months. It will give her the guidance and help she needs to be a good parent. After the six months, the mother has agreed to take Tenele's newborn baby and Tenele and her child now, Lucia, can return to the girl's home! The plan obviously wasn't what I had thought but I think it's the best plan for her. I think she needs guidance and direction in her parenting. She is young and it will be good to be with other mother's in similar situations. She can then come back to the girl's home, go to school, and work to create a life for her children. God was in this situation, he had everything under control. There were many things through out this decision making period that worried me and I was very nervous for Tenele's future but I just had to keep reminding myself that God is in control and he will redeem his children! He will take care of them. I just need to be willing to do and go wherever he calls me!

Week 45....3 weeks until home...bittersweet feelings!

This was the girl's second week off school. We didn't have the holiday program so they had to find some things to do. On Monday, Jan and Julius, the two german volunteers, came and worked on the garden with them. They finished planting their first vegetables and I think they are very proud! It will be awesome when they will be able to harvest them. They won't have to buy them at the store or the market, they can just go out to the side yard and pick their vegetables. Also, we played some games, which was a lot of fun! Then on Tuesday, Riita, a finish volunteer, came and spent the night with the girls. The girls loved this. Riita taught them how to crochet and did their nails. They had a great time! Wednesday was a relaxed day, they didn't do too much. I had a meeting with some people at MYC about what is going to happen when I leave and before the next volunteer comes. It went well for the most part but there is still a struggle with what to do with Tenele. She is due in June after I leave and before Mary-Kate and the group come at the end of June. We are having a meeting this coming week with the counselor to see what we can do. The whole situation is really wearing on me and I am so tired of fighting with them. When Riita stayed over she asked me the next morning if I knew I grind my teeth. I never have done that in the past and I think the stress of this situation and what's at stake for Tenele is really getting to me. I just continue to pray that God will work things out! I am working to trust him and give him all my burdens and stress! It's a work in progress!
Then, Thursday I was at the volunteer house because it was Riita's last day before returning home. We had a nice dinner for her. On Friday, a few girls went to counseling in the morning and then in the afternoon, Titi, a Swazi friend I met the first time I was here, came and visited the girls for the afternoon. It was nice to have her there and she may in the future help out more in the transition of volunteers! So overall, the week has been good for the girls and they are enjoying each others company and really becoming a family! I love being apart of their lives and will really miss them when I leave in 3 weeks. 3 weeks! I can't believe it's that close. It still feels so far away but I know time will go so fast! I think that is another reason I am feeling stressed because I know that I only have 3 weeks to do all that I need to do before I leave! But I know God is faithful and everything will go the way he has planned it. I just have to remember to trust his plan not mine. 

One Month to go (Week 44)

This week was a pretty simple week. The girl's were off school and we had the holiday program for them to go to. They could do art, watch movies, play games, etc. It was a long week for me though. I spent most of the days with the kids and then had to go home and not have much down time to myself. I really realized the importance of my alone time to recover and re energize. Also, this week I struggled with feeling alone at the home and realized it more than the past weeks how isolating it can be. There were a few arguements between the girls this week and I could tell they were arguing but it was in Siswati so I wasn't completely sure what was going on and it took forever for them to tell me what was going on. It was really frustrating because I wanted to be able to help them solve it because it wasn't happening on their own and no one would explain the problem. I haven't minded them all speaking in Siswati before when things are good and they are joking. It's been good to hear them laughing and having a good time but when they are fighting and it continues without  resolve, I just felt really helpless and very much an outsider. It has been a rough week emotionally for me I think, with feeling like an outsider and knowing I only have a month left. I am really anxious to come home and see what God has for me at home. I've been thinking a lot about what I am going to do when I get home and I have all these different ideas but I know I need to just trust God and for the time being be focused here in Swaziland. I only have 4 weeks left and need to put all my effort into these girls and helping them to continue to adjust to living with each other and to help with the transition from when I leave to when the next volunteer comes. I know God continues to have things in his control but it is hard to let go and let him work (no matter how many times I have to let go of something it's never easy). But God will work everything out just how it was meant to be. And I am trusting in him to do so!

Our God Redeems! (Week 43)

On Monday, I had a meeting with some MYC staff and trustees of the girl's home board about Tenele. It was found out that Tenele is again pregnant. She was taking to the clinic and found out that she was 7 months pregnant and due in June! So, in the meeting we discussed the ramifications of how that would effect the home and what would need to be done. It was suggested that Tenele go and talk with a counselor about being pregnant again and her life and the possibility of living with her mother again, which she does not have a good relationship with. I'm still not sure how I feel about this idea but I took Tenele on Friday to see the counselor and the counselor shared that Tenele blames herself for everything that has happened in her life. She said her mother doesn't love her and she really has no self worth. She has a lot of bitterness towards her mom and it will probably take some time to work through that. My heart breaks for her. She is a beautiful girl and has a beautiful heart. She knows God loves her but now she needs to let go of the shame and blame from her past! It's a hard thing to do but God is a God of grace and love and mercy and redemption! I have great faith that he will Redeem her! God is in control and I feel very at peace about the situation, knowing God has a plan. So I would just ask for prayers for Tenele as she goes through this next phase in life and that she would feel the love and support around her.
On another note, the girls ended school this week and on Thursday, we got to take them and some other kids from MYC to Mlilwane, to swim and play and have some lunch. They had a good time and I felt like it was a nice way to end the term for the girls. They have 3 weeks off of school so it will be interesting to see how they do living with each other and being together a lot of the time. Luckily, two of the weeks there will be a holiday program through MYC and they will be able to play games, do art, etc. I'm excited to enjoy the last few weeks I have with the girls before I head home at the beginning of June!

Week 1 of the Litsemba Lemphilo (Hope for life) home (Week 42 overall)

The home has now been open for a week! I started to feel much better midweek about being in the home and adjusting to living with the girls! The girl's are loving it and enjoying their time together. But, of course, they are girls and have had their arguments amongst themselves, which is normal. Things were going well up until Thursday when their was a concern from the office. Two of the office staff went up to the home and found Tenele and Lucia, her baby, in the home. They called me and were upset that they had not been informed of her staying there. I shared that I had gone through the proper channels as they had told me to do. I went through our Social Welfare Department and the Department in Manzini. They raised a lot of concerns and I shared that I did not agree with them and believed that she was exactly the kind of girl we should be helping. They had some other concerns which were discussed and now we have to have a meeting next week with some of the board. So, Thursday was an emotional day for me! Actually, I was really upset. Tenele has been through so much and this could potentially be another thing to go wrong in her life. On Friday, I had individual meetings with the girls to see how things were going and ask them some questions. I asked Tenele what her goal in life was and she told me her life was a mess, it was nothing, that she had no goal. It broke my heart. This girl, needs this home, the love of Christ. We were called to help the broken and hurting. She is broken, she is hurt! She needs to know that God loves her and that she can have a goal. And Mary-Kate can attest to this, Tenele has felt God's love and has changed in so many ways and I know whatever happens God is in control! He will take care of her so my prayer is that God will work everything out and this won't be an issue! I pray our meeting this next week goes smoothly! I seriously, felt like my feet were just swept up from under me on Thursday morning. Things had been going well the home was finished and we were all starting to adjust to living together. It was like things were too good and something had to be disturbed. (Side note: Tenele doesn't know anything about the situation, which I think for now is good!) But I know God is in control and I am trusting Him to walk me through this time, especially as I get ready to leave and head home in 6 weeks.
On Friday, however, was a holiday, the King's birthday. We spent the time at home and it was nice to hang out with the girls, watch movies, play games, dance, etc. I had a really good time with them and enjoyed the day. It was a much better day then the day before. It nice to be reminded why you are doing what you are doing. These girl's are great and I see great potential in them. God is going to do great things in their lives! Yebo Jesu!!!!
(Pictures to come soon hopefully!)

The home is finally open!!!!!! :) (Week 41)

This week was crazy, trying to get everything ready to move into the home on Saturday. We bought the last of the furniture we needed. I got some strong men to help me move the furniture around the home to where it was to go and bought food for the home. Saturday after lunch, I picked up Ayanda from Mangwaneni and then the two girls, Nonhlanhla and Sindisiwe, from McCorkindales, (I had shared at in a previous blog around Christmas time about some orphans that had been found, these two girls were apart of that family). We arrived in the home and got settled in and found out that we had no electricity because of work being done on the electrical lines. I'm told by Ayanda that I need to share this story...Since we had no electricity we had to use candles and we put them on plates by putting wax on the bottom and sticking the candle to the plate. So, it was stuck there for awhile, sitting on top of my dresser, when I opened my drawer and it fell over onto the rope I had laying there and I quickly blew it out but according to Ayanda I should have picked it up so that the candle wouldn't have to be lit again. (Ayanda thinks I'm a baby because I did this!) So it was a very nice evening, we had rice and fish for dinner. Then, headed off to our rooms. I had a very interesting night. Within an hour or so I had 4 cockroaches in my room that I had to find and kill!!!! Because I have linoleum flooring it sounded like there were mice in my room! Not a very fun time! But after killing them I was able to sleep just fine!

It will be exciting to see how things continue to go at the home. Today, Sunday, we moved in another girl, Tenele and her baby, Lucia. And, later on today we will add another girl, Dlalisile, who was apart of a scandal with her former high school principal. He was sleeping with the girls who couldn't pay for their school fees.

I'm excited to be in the home but anxious because I only have 7 weeks left! I'm actually kind of freaking out! It will definitely be an adjustment living in the home and not always having my own space, which I am used too. I am needing to learn to set some boundaries. So, it will be a growing and exciting next few weeks before I head home. Continued prayers as the girls, the house mother, and myself learn to live with each other would be much appreciated!

A rollercoaster of a week (Week 40)

Nothing is easy in Swaziland. I had mentioned in my last blog that I had gone last week on Thursday to pick up my visa/work permit and was unable to. So, on Tuesday I had to go again to pick it up and the network was down so I couldn't pick it up. Then, on Thursday I went back again and at first the network was down again but the others who were with me had to do some other things so while I was waiting the network came back up, but then they couldn't find my file because they had taken it to a meeting to change the amount I owed because they had me paying E600 and not the E300 I owed for the 3 month visa. As I was waiting for the others do their things, I finally got my file and the gentleman kindly let me pay without waiting in the long line. But then they lost the stamp to stamp our passports. They had to order a new one and it wouldn't be in until the following day! So I had gone to the government offices three times trying to pick up my visa. Needless to say, I can't wait to not have to deal with those offices again! It made me really realize how far behind Swaziland is from western society in many areas.
The other two days were much, much more productive! I bought furniture for the girl's home and got it delivered! We are almost ready to move in. We are now just waiting on the office to talk with the house mother who will be moving in and have her move into the home so that we are able to then move the girls into the home. I'd like to say it would be this week but I am not sure! The way things have been going I think I will just not give a projected date and let you all know when I'm in the home! On that note, however, I can't believe the home is actually going to open soon! I'm a little nervous because I've been waiting so long for this to happen that now that it's so close I'm not sure I'm ready! But I know God is good and he has given me the skills to do this. He is the one who deserves all the glory for this project because without him I know that none of this would be happening right now. I wouldn't be here right now. I am trusting him to work everything out. I just need to keep pushing through the nervousness and fear and God will provide!

"Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you." Psalm 9:10
 

Easter Week (Week 39)

The home continues to slowly get closer to being done. I feel like it still is a battle to get anything done. Monday and Tuesday some more renovations were being done and bunk beds were being moved in. Wednesday morning, I asked for a check to buy the remaining items for the home so that after Easter the girls could move in. But I waited all day for the check and was unable to cash it by the time I had gotten it. Then, Thursday, I had to go and pick up my visa/work permit, which took all day and in the end I didn't even get it and have to go back on Tuesday. It was a very frustrating two days. Plus on Thursday most places closed early because of Easter. Luckily, I was able to chas the check for the furniture on Thursday, while I was waiting on my visa. So Saturday, I purchased the mattresses for the beds. But backing up to Friday, Friday was much better than the previous two days. I was able to relax and even though I have all these things to do I realized I wasn't going to be able to do them so I decided not to worry about it and enjoy the day! Which is what I needed I think. I am starting to realize I have only two months left. I still feel like I have so much work to do. Knowing I only have a little time left makes me feel stressed and frustrated when everything is taking forever to get done! I think that was why Friday was so important for me to just take time to relax and spend some time with God. God showed me that I needed to just slow down and not be in such a rush all the time. He showed me how easily I've been getting caught up in all the drama and petty little things going on. I need to fight against the negative and the drama and remember why I am here. I have two months to go and I want to glorify God in all that I do from here on out!
On another note, Easter was really good but it was also hard being away from home. I realized how much I love Easter time and going to church and having fellowship with other believers. I am excited to come home and have that constant support from other believers. It's hard to be on your own in your beliefs sometimes but God is there for us and I have learned to trust in him a lot more than I ever have before!

Blessed! (Week 38)

The grass is now cut, updated pictures next week! 

The girl's home is finally feeling like we might be able to move into it by the end of March!!!! This week they finished most of the renovations on the inside of the home. We had a cleaning lady come Tuesday and Wednesday to clean the home. There are a few minor details of the home that need to be fixed but on Monday (3/25) we are to have our bunk beds and curtains and be able to start moving furniture into the home finally! I have been trying not to get my hopes up and say anything about the home because I've been saying for weeks that it's going to be opening soon but I think it's actually going to happen in the next week or so! I know the timing wasn't what I had planned or what anyone had planned. We all thought it would be open a lot sooner but this is all in God's timing and I know his timing is perfect!

Some other things that happened this week. Tuesday was my birthday! (I love birthdays!!!!) I was beyond blessed on Tuesday! I got to talk to Rebekah, my sister, and then my parents called from church and the staff there all wished me a happy birthday! I got a call from my grandparents and of course all the fb messages from family and friends! I also, got a video of my sister, Rachel, singing Happy Birthday to me! I know I'm 25 years old and I shouldn't care so much about my birthday but sometimes I think it's nice to feel special. I think God gave each of us our special day so we could know how special we are to Him and to those around us. My friends here also made me feel very special! We went out for dinner in the evening, they gave me flowers, candy, and some jewelry from Imvelo, which is an Manzini Youth Care money generating project. I got sung happy birthday three times that night!  It was a bit embarrassing! Haha! The waiters and waitresses also sung to me and I got a free dessert. So, a day where I could have felt homesick, I was extremely blessed!

On the opposite end of the spectrum but still a blessing, Saturday, myself and some of the other volunteers, were heading to a waterfall for the afternoon to go swimming. We were on our way and traffic was heavy but moving along when all of the sudden the guy in front of me (I was driving by the way) slammed on his brakes, so I slammed on mine, and the person behind me did as well. None of us hit each other until another car came and smashed into the back of the car behind me which caused a domino effect, the car behind me hit me and I hit the guy in front of me. We called the police, he took our statements and then we were free to go. I had some whiplash, and my back is very sore and I'm sure some of the others in the cars did as well. The guy who crashed into us had not been wearing his seat belt and hit his head on his windshield but he just had some scratches on his head and was okay. So we were all extremely blessed, lucky, whatever you want to say, that no one was seriously injured. This was my first accident I've ever been in so I was a bit in shock and this morning when I was driving to church I definitely was very anxious behind the wheel. Even though there wasn't a lot of damage to the van and no serious injuries (which I thank God for), it's going to take me sometime to feel okay when I'm driving. I'm not going to let the fear of that accident stop me from driving, that is why I knew I had to drive this morning to church. I seriously thought about not going at all. But I am eventually going to have to get over that fear and drive at some point anyway, so why not start right away to get over it. God protected us yesterday and I am truly blessed and thankful that no one got seriously hurt.

“I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.' So we can say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?” -Hebrews 13:5-6

A change of pace (Week 37)

This week was much different from the past couple weeks. I decided this week that I was not going to just go, go, go. I wanted it to be a bit more laid back. So I focused more on the relationships with the kids and other volunteers. I helped my three kids from Mangwaneni sort out books for their classes. On Tuesday, I went to a sports day for some of the schools in the area. I got to watch some of our boys run! (They are crazy fast!) I spent some time with one of our volunteers who left this past Wednesday, which was nice to do before she headed home! Then, on Wednesday night, I got a call from Tenele, the 18 year old girl with a baby who is going to move into the girl's home when it opens. She told me she had a problem. Some guy had come into her house drug her into the woods to rape her but forgot a condom. He told her to stay there or he'd kill her, so while he was going to get the condom she ran away. There wasn't much I could do at 10pm at night for her. She told me her and Lucia, her daughter, were going to stay with a friend. So the next morning, I tried to phone her but it was off. So, I went to Mangwaneni to find her. When I found her, she told me more of what happened the night before. She shared that after the guy came to her, he went to her friend and ended up staying outside her door until 3am. I asked her if she wanted to report it to the police. She did. So, myself, Tenele, and her two friends went to the police station. They talked with a lady police, reported the man and were told to call the police if he showed up again. So prayers for Tenele's continued safety would be great. She needs this girl's home asap.But I know that God has his hand of protection over her.

Ayanda being awesome and cleaning the bathroom!

Speaking of the girl's home though. It looks like they have finally finished the renovations. There is outside work to be done but the inside is said to be done. I have gone and seen it and have seen just one or two things that need fixed and then everything needs cleaned really well. I was able to go with Ayanda, another girl who will move into the home, and do some cleaning this weekend but we need more people to get the job done quickly. We ordered bunk beds last week for the home and they are to be finished for this week. So hopefully, as I probably have said for the past few weeks, the home will be ready for girls to move in by the end of this week! I am getting tired of waiting and fighting for this to open. I just keep thinking how this home could've been opened so much sooner. I think I am feeling drained and overwhelmed with everything. But I think this past week was good to focus on some other things other than the home. It helped distract me from the stress of it all! So continued prayers for the home to open soon and for some extra energy and passion for me would be greatly appreciated! I want to be able to go into the home refreshed and ready to work with these girls. I want to be able to give them all that God has for me to give them!   

Is it done yet? (Week 36)

I had a very busy week this week, as the past few weeks have been, with trying to get the home up and running, while still doing my other duties. It has been a struggle the past few weeks with the girl's home almost being done but the workers taking their time finishing up! It's hard to buy furniture when you can't put it in the home until it's ready. Last Friday, we had gone to an auction and on Monday and Tuesday we went back because the guy in charge was giving us whatever was left over for free! So, we got plates, tea cups, computers, and other things to use in the girl's home and the boy's homes. It was a very generous donation from the Esibayeni Lodge (they were the ones who had the auction). Wednesday, the Volunteers and Father Larry, director of MYC, had a meeting about some challenges we have been facing. It has been a struggle for the volunteers to interact with the people in the office at MYC. We often have run into rude responses and have heard many things they have said behind our backs. There has been a huge lack of communication between the two of us. Personally, I don't have much of a problem as some of the others do but I have been on the receiving end of rudeness or people being stand offish towards me, even when I am super nice to them. Anyway, it was good for us volunteers to be able to express to Father Larry our concerns and frustrations with some of the staff at MYC. Father Larry was very understanding. It will be interesting to see how things change or if they change in the future.

The beginning of the week, was go, go, go and I was really pushing to find the furniture that we needed and get things going but my pushing was only hurting me and not helping. I was becoming more and more frustrated as the week went on because things weren't getting done and I was not doing what I wanted to be doing, which was buying the furniture and getting ready to move into the house. I feel like I have a million and one responsibilities, with buying the furniture, getting paperwork and such ready for when the girls move in, writing job descriptions, and still helping out some with the boys. I feel like I am the only one who cares if this home opens or not. (I know that is unfair of me to say because I do have some help here but in general I feel like I'm fighting this battle alone on Swazi soil!) Wednesday afternoon was my breaking point. I wanted to be searching for furniture but because of certain circumstances I couldn't right away and then when I finally was able to I was annoyed and didn't care to look at what was there. I decided that evening, that Thursday morning I needed to just relax some and take a breather. Me pushing to find the furniture and get things moving just wasn't working. So Thursday morning I took some time and relaxed, worked on some of the job descriptions for the staff of the girl's home and just spent some time alone which helped Thursday and Friday go much smoother then the beginning of the week. I wasn't forcing things to happen, I wasn't rushing things, I was just letting them happen and working not to stress about them. Because honestly, stressing about things doesn't help. By the end of the week, we have our bunk beds ordered and know where we need to go to purchase the other things we need once the home is ready! I felt much better by the time Friday rolled around. I really hope that the girl's home opens soon! I want these girls to have somewhere safe to stay but God's timing is perfect and when it is time the home will open!  

Week 35

This week I have been searching for furniture for the girl's home. Monday morning, we went and found a gas stove and freezer/fridge that will work well for the girl's home. (we are waiting to purchase them until they can be moved into the home though.) In the afternoon, we went on a home visit to one of our boys who had been really worrying that his family was okay. His dad had been beating his mom and little sister. It appeared that the father was no longer coming around the home and now they were just worried about money for food! It seemed like things were doing better than before as the boy had explained. We are going to follow up on the situation. Throughout the rest of the week I did some work for the girl's home, some paperwork for the girl's when they enter the home, rules, code of conduct, etc. On Wednesday, I also went and saw the home. It is looking really good! I am excited to see it this coming week and start being able to move things in! I think this is the week! As long as we get all the furniture we need. I think we could be in the home by the end of the week! But I'm going to take it one day at a time and see how things go! Thursday, I did some more furniture shopping and figuring out which deals are the best to buy. We also had a girl's home meeting in the morning. We had some different opinions on how the home should be staffed and who should be in those positions. So we had a meeting to discuss all of it. At first, it was a bit discouraging hearing what was said. To explain a little bit, I had wanted a house manager, house mother, and volunteer. So, when I leave in June there is more than one person left in the home. I had a house manager all lined up. She is a great worker, would have the home clean and the girl's taken care of and would do a great job at supervising the house mother. But, the office didn't want her in the home. I'm still not quite sure why? In our meeting I had some support from Michelle, the project manager and volunteer. We both fought to have the house manager in the home. I trust her and I wouldn't have felt comfortable with just the house mother. So, we compromised. They wanted to take the house mother from another home and we get to have our house manager! In the end everything worked out well. Friday, I spent all day at an auction run by some lodge near by. They had loads of stuff that we are able to use in the girl's home. We got sheets, blankets, silverware, plates, bowls, a table, love seats, etc. It was a long day but I finally feel like we are making some progress on things we are purchasing for the home! So, things are coming along well.  

( Most recent pictures of the home can be found on facebook)

The light at the end of the tunnel (week 34)

This past week was really busy, doing miscellaneous things. I paid for school fees, took kids to counseling, searched for furniture, went to renew my visa, and saw the girl’s home. The girl’s home is looking good. They have more painting to do and outside work but with the next week it should be done!  On Sunday, we went and bought some kitchen and bathroom things for the home. It was exciting to pick out everything and know this is going to happen soon. Now, our only challenge is staffing. There are some conflicting opinions on who should be in the home and how many people should be there. So, prayers for clarity and compromise on both sides are needed. I don’t want this challenge to delay the opening of the home. These girls need this home. 

Living Room 

Re-tiling of a room

I also, continue to struggle with the fact that I only have 3 months left. I want to get things done here but I can't help but think about what is waiting for me at home. I know that my heart should be here and be present because these girl's need me and it is here for the girls, but for everything else my heart is at home and I can tell that it is affecting my interactions. I know I'm going to go through a lot of change in the next couple months and my heart is starting to protect itself from the hurt and pain it may experience. But in doing that it takes away the joy I might find as well. So, I am struggling to fight the fear, my normal tendency to retreat when things get hard and change is coming but I have been really trying hard to break out of that pattern. I could really use prayers that I don't retreat, that I embrace the change and experience all that I should be! 

Close but not quite yet (Week 33)

Week 33, I can't believe I've been in Swaziland for 7 ½ months already! I feel like I still have so much to do and so little time to do it! But things are moving along...even it is slower than I would like. We are to be in the home by the end of February but I am trying not to get my hopes up. They have painting, re tiling of a small room and some of the bathroom to finish for the home to be ready. We started this week looking at a van to buy for the home and continue to look for the best price for furniture. It finally feels like this is going to happen.

As for other things this week, we had three new volunteers come to do internships, two from Finland and one from Belgium. They are all in the social welfare department. We had a meeting on Tuesday with the four of us and MYC's Social Welfare Department and basically they got pushed off to me to help them find something to do or they could help with the girl's home. But as I wrote above right now we are just buying furniture and I don't have much else for them to do. So, I went and told them that I don't have much for them to do and I feel bad having them not do anything. Plus, it's not my job. I'm a volunteer and I am working on the girl's home. They should be giving them something to do and showing them the project. If they were just volunteering it would be one thing but it's an internship for school. They need some direction and guidance. It is just another way for our social welfare department not to do anything and give their job to someone else so they don't have to be bothered with it. But that is a whole other story. So, much of this week was showing the new volunteers around and helping them figure out what they can do. It was nice to have some more people in the social welfare department for once.

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about home and what I am going to do with my life after June 3, when I leave Swaziland. I am trying to stay focused on what is going on here but it continues to be a constant thought. I want to work with woman/young girls who have a rough background, etc.. similar to what I am doing here. God has really given me a passion to help girls like that. I'm excited to come home in 3 ½ months, but my job isn't done here and I am really going to miss the people here! I have 3 ½ months to continue this work here and let God use me however he will and I plan to let him do that!!!  

(picture to come of the home, my internet is being to slow to upload it at the moment! One thing I can't wait for when I get home....having internet that works and is fast!!!! ;))

NO EXPECTATIONS! (Week 32)

This week was actually a slow week! On Monday, I went and saw the girl's home thinking it was supposed to be done but it still hadn't been finished. So I was meant to spend all week buying furniture and such but was unable to do that because they hadn't finished the renovations. I didn't have many other things to do this week because I had planned on getting things for the girl's home. I was in the office a lot this week. On Friday, I found out that all that is left to do on the home is the bathrooms and the rest of the painting. I haven't seen the home since Monday so I will go this coming week and see how far they have gotten and see if what they say is true! It has been a rough few weeks! At first I was told that the home was going to open the end of January, then I heard the end of February, then I heard the first week in February, and now I have no idea how long it will take! I don't know what to believe and feeling like I want to be able to prepare myself mentally for when I have to move out and have some sort of time line of when things will happen and I don't have any of that. It's been hard this week with having such hopes that the home was going to be done then nothing. One thing we would say, when I was here in Swaziland in 2008, with a group of 20 other people, is to have NO EXPECTATIONS! I have been reminded of that phrase often here. I can't come here and expect things to happen how I think they should. Swaziland is much much different then Swaziland and I have learned to adapt and realize things are different, but there are times when I struggle with those differences and this is one of those times. I'm a pretty laid back person, says my mom. She shared with me something that struck me. She told me that it's kind of against my nature to feel how I'm feeling. She showed me how my passion for this home to be open is driving me to push things along where generally I am a laid back person and will let certain things just take their course. I hadn't really thought about it like that. I don't think I really realized how much I cared about these girls and giving them a safe place to live. I really only have 4 months left here and I know God's plan is right and good and whenever the home is too open God will provide, but I don't want to go home regretting my time here. I want to be able to say that I did everything I could to help along this process and give these girls a safe place to stay. God is good and will provide. He gave me this opportunity to do something for these girls and I don't want to disappoint him! I want to use my God given talents to honor and glorify Him in every way!  

Continually amazed by God (Week 31)

This week was much better than last week! It was a busy week! I did a lot of different things like working in the office, finishing up buying school shoes for the boys, and pricing furniture for the girl's home. On Tuesday, I got a call from Ayanda sharing that Johannes was upset and crying and she asked me to come to Mangwaneni. It's a 20 minute walk. So I walked there but by the time I got there Johannes had disappeared and we couldn't find him. So, later that night I got a call from him telling me he was fine but he wasn't at home. I talked with him later in the week and he shared that he was having some troubles at home. He was so terrified to tell me what had happened! I think it was the first time I felt like I was getting through to him though. He shared how he was feeling and what happened and I just told him that if he continues to run away from his problems it will end up hurting him in the long run. It was really cool to see him slowly open up to me and share what had happened. He doesn't trust anyone and I could see on his face how hurt he was and how much pain all this was causing him. He's a stubborn boy with a good heart. He just needs some encouragment to be open and trust. (Though, I totally understand why he doesn't trust anyone with everything he's gone through.)

On Thursday, I went and saw the girl's home and had asked earlier in the day if they would leave it unlocked for me so I could show my friend the home and take some pictures. Well, we get there and it's pouring rain and it's locked. You could kind of see inside the windows and such but it didn't look like much had been done in the past week, there was a hole in the ceiling. So, I decided I'd go the next morning and talk with the girl's home board about the renovations taking forever and maybe we should have another contractor come in to finish the job if they are going to take their time. I was going to bring up the fact that we now have 6 girls for the home and they should be in the home asap. I had a hard time sleeping because I was thinking about what I was going to say. The next morning I read this verse: “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither be afraid.” John 14:27 It was just what I needed to hear. I was anxious about telling them what I was feeling. As I walked to the office I was prayed for peace, for God to be in control of the situation and it to go how he wanted it, not how I want it to go. I get to the office and in the doorway is Sister Judith, she is helping with the girl's home. She tells me that the workers are finishing up today and that on Monday we'll go see it and then start buying furniture! I was so shocked. It actually made me laugh a little because I was totally expecting to have to share how I was feeling and I was ready to defend these girls so the home would open asap. But God had everything planned. I just love how he works sometimes. Now, we will see how the home looks on Monday and if it's ready but I am trusting that God has everything under control and I don't need worry about anything! I would appreciate prayers for the home to be done and furniture to be bought next week so that within the week/week and a half these girls can move into the home!  

A Rough Week 30

This morning (Monday), I woke up and felt a lot better than this past weekend. So I think I can write about last week now. The beginning of my week wasn't bad it was just really busy. Making sure kids got settled into school, running around buying school shoes for all the boys and then handing them out! They really appreciated that the church gave me the money to buy them shoes! So, my week was busy and I was fighting a cold so by Friday I was drained and glad it was the weekend. I would have to say Friday was one of the worst days I've had here, if not the worst! I woke up got ready for work, checked my email and found out that a really close family friend had passed away, Phil Nielsen. I grew up (since 6^th grade) with the Nielsen family and was really close to their daughters. So it killed me, is killing me, not being able to be home and be a support and have people around that understood what was going on and what I was feeling. I wanted to let them know that I loved them and was here for them. I got to send an email and text to my friend Courtney, which was better than nothing but I still wish I could be there for them right now! So, I found that out Friday morning as I said and then had to go to work. I was trying all day to hold it together. I went to the girl's home that morning and nothing really had been done in the week to finish up renovations. I went and talked with one of the girl's home board members and told her about it so she could talk with the director and get things figured out. I was in the office after that and was planning to take Ayanda, one of the girls from Mangwaneni who is my adopted niece (Mary-Kate is their mother), to Swagaa, an organization that helps girls and has counselling, at about 130. So, I get to the office and there is a family there with a potential girl for the home. So I end up waiting to go do a home visit. By the time we leave its 11:45 and it's 45 minutes away and so we don't get back to town until 3. So, I take Ayanda to Swagaa and we wait an hour only to be told that we have to come back next week. During this time, I received a phone call from a friend telling me that Tenele (another of my adopted nieces) isn't sleeping in her home at night because this man, a known criminal, is threatening to kill her and rape her. I called her but couldn't get a hold of her but found out she was staying with a friend at night. By the time I got home on Friday at 4:30-5:00pm, I was exhausted emotionally, physically, all of the above! I felt so helpless and couldn't do anything to help anyone. On Saturday, I got up and went to the bank and to the internet cafe, came home and watched movies until about 3 or so when I went and saw Tenele and made a plan to find her a place out of Mangwaneni until the girl's home opens. After that I spent the rest of the night in bed watching movies. I didn't want to have to think or be around anyone. I was feeling really emotional! Wanting to be home and not wanting to have to deal with anything! I wanted to block everything out and not think about everything that had happened the day before. I got to talk to my mom Saturday night and it helped some to talk with someone from home and hear how things were going. Sunday, I went to church, which was a lot harder than I thought. I sat there feeling suffocated by my emotions. I wanted to run away, get out of there. I don't know why though. I think I was holding so tightly to my emotions and what I wanted out of the situation that being there worshipping made it hard for me to maintain control. I stayed though. When the pastor spoke, he talked about the unproducing fig tree. The parable in Luke 13:6-9. It helped me to hear what he was saying even though it wasn't directly related to how I was feeling it was a good message. There was one thing that the pastor said that hit me hard. “You don't see things how God sees them.” It made me think and it gave me some peace about the situation. Even though I felt helpless and unable to do anything to help the situation, maybe what I had done was what God had wanted me to do and maybe I was exactly where I was supposed to be, even though everything in me wanted to be at home. It took awhile for that to sink in because after church I spent the whole day watching movies and again not thinking about anything. I got to talk to Dustin (my boyfriend) Sunday night and again it was so nice to talk to someone who understood what I was feeling and could help me through everything. So this morning I woke up and felt a lot better from the weekend. I learned that God has a plan for everything and even though I may feel helpless in situations that's okay because I should be relying on him to take care of things, He should be in control, not me! (Wow the control issue is big for me I think, it keeps coming up!) Life is unpredictable and can be scary and unfair (from our perspective) but knowing that God knows the plan and knows where he wants us to go is actually a lot more reassuring than I thought it would be for someone who likes to be in control and have everything planned. Now, that lesson just needs to stick so I don't have to keep learning it over and over again! ;)

“In the presence of your faithful people, I will put hope in your name for it is good!” -Psalm 52:9

Ntokozo looking cool in his new school shoes!

The Enjabulweni Boy's Home in their new shoes! 

"Our plans are not God's plans!" Week 29

Swimming at the pool for the Holiday Program!

The office reopened on Monday and my week was insanely busy from Monday-Friday! I helped a few kids get into school. We went and visited a few schools and then helped them register. I continued to help out some with the holiday program, swimming with the kids and playing soccer with them. Thursday morning we had a girl's home meeting and it looked like we were going to be able to open the girl's home by the end of January but then we went and saw the home. It seems as though it maybe sometime in February that it opens. At this point, we are waiting for the money to come in so that the renovations can continue. We have money coming from Hosea's Heart, a former volunteer, and an organization in Germany called Bon. Once all this money arrives we will be able to finish the renovations and start buying the furniture and appliances for the home. On friday, I went with Sister Judith, who is helping with the girl's home, to a furniture store to check on prices and see if we bought in bulk if we could get a discount. It was a very productive week. I felt like I had more of a purpose this week. I was feeling much better at the beginning of this week then last week. After our girl's home meeting on Thursday though, I was feeling a bit discouraged. The house mother I had met with fell through and then the home being open by the end of January appears to not be realistic. I think I had been trying to push things because I only have 4 and a half months left and I want to be in the home and work with the girls, and do what I came here to do. But as I've been learning our plans aren't God's plans! Thursday evening I was sitting on the balcony thinking about the day, and God just brought that phrase to mind, our plans are not His plans. I had been trying to push things and make them what I thought they should be, in the time I thought they should be and really I should've just been letting God in control. So even though I am at times frustrated with the situation and wonder what I'm doing here if the home isn't open yet, I know God has me here for a purpose and I know His plan is so much better than mine! So, I am trying to hold onto that truth. Our plans are not God's plans. We just have to trust that he has everything under control. (That seems to be a reoccuring lesson that God is teaching me! Trust Him and let go of control.)

"Struck down but NOT destroyed" (Week 28)

This week was kind of a difficult week. We got back from Cape Town on Sunday and Monday were right back into things, the office is still closed until the 14^th of January but there is always plenty to do. Since I've been back, I've been feeling out of place and maybe even feeling a bit attacked. I know the girl's home is opening soon and so I think things may get a bit harder before then. I think satan has been trying to discourage me and take away my joy this week. This week was rough emotions wise. I had to fight every day to remind myself why I am here and who God is. I had to fill myself with the truth to combat the lies satan was telling me! Overall, the week went well activity wise. We had a holiday program for the youth in the area. We played soccer, showed movies, had an art room for them to draw and color, and other things. It went well and the youth loved it! We did that Wednesday-Friday from 11-4. On Wednesday, I got a call from Betty, a volunteer, recommending a house mother. She gave me her number and I called her and set up a meeting for Friday. On Friday morning, I met with the lady, she seemed nice, smart, had experience working with girls before and had a 10 year old daughter. She had shared that she had some struggles in the past year but that she was doing much better. I feel like she is a good option. So I told her I would call her on Monday as she needs to meet with some other people on the girl's home board to be interviewed. However, after I met with her I found out information from a relative that I shouldn't hire her. I think this is one thing I have to let God in control of. On first impression, I feel good about her but sometimes people can fool you. I am still going to have her meet with the girl's home board and see what they think. I don't want to just disregard because maybe God wants to use her in the home. We will see how things go when the board meets with her. I am trying to let God be in control of things but it is more difficult then it seems! 

I've been telling people all week that I'm doing well and things are good but I'm really struggling right now. This is actually really hard for me to admit and write in my blog because I don't want people worrying about me at home, and I don't like to admit that I may need some help. I'm a pretty independent person and asking for help means I can't do it on my own and that I have to give up control of the situation (as I stated above). And God has been showing me how much control I like to have and how I need to let go and let him move. So on the one hand this week has been hard and emotional with wanting to be home and feeling lonely and out of place but on the other hand, God has showed me how much I need to stand apart from this world, how I need to let go control of situations I can't do anything about (like things with the girl's home at the moment) and let God move. I did a lot of praying this week to God for guidance and strength and even though it doesn't feel like it, I know he's got everything under control and I don't have to worry. He'll take my worries, my burdens so that I can be free of them! So, I would really love prayers for everything that is ahead in the next 4 and a half months before I come home! I want to let God use me to the fullest while I'm here. I don't want to come home with any regrets!!!

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30

The Holidays (Week 26 and 27)

Cape Town

So it's back to reality! I got home from Cape Town on Sunday and it's already right back into work but I'll save that for my next blog. The past two weeks have been really fun and hard at the same time. Starting at Christmas Eve, I went to a Catholic mass with the two German volunteers. (The church I go to didn't have a service because the pastor was away) It was really different from what I am used to and so I struggled with missing home during the service for sure but come Christmas day, we had a lot to do so it was a bit easier to be distracted. We had a Braii/BBQ with the kids and gave out their presents! They loved it! Also, Ayanda and Tenele came to visit me and I got to spend some time with them and give them their gifts! It was great fun! I gave the girl's their gifts and Ayanda, who's such a doll, gave me a cross necklace. It was so humbling to get a gift from her. She is 16 years old, has nothing, lives on her own and is giving me a gift. She is such a blessing and has had such a hard life but you can truly see Christ in her!

A beach along the coast on our drive back to Swaziland.

On Wednesday, we got up at 5am and headed to the bus rank to catch a khombi (mini bus/van) to Durban. We waited about 2 hours before it left and arrived in Durban at about 2-2:30. We camped at a backpackers for the evening and the next day took a bus from Durban to Cape Town.We left at 5pm on Thursday and got to Cape Town at 9pm on Friday. So it took us about 28 hours to get there! It was a long trip but not too bad because I slept a lot of it! When we got there we needed to find the Salesians, where we were staying. We forgot the address and were hoping that someone would be able to help us. Luckily, a taxi driver knew where it was and took us there so God definitely had a had of protection over us! So we stayed in Cape Town for 4 days. Cape Town is a beautiful city! It's right on the water and then on the other side is mountains! It is gorgeous! I could've spent so much more time there!!!! We spent New Year's Eve in Cape Town. We went to the waterfront and saw fireworks at midnight! It was cool. I think though I missed home the most that night! It was a fun night but I spent it with 10-15 Germans and I was the only American so at times it became lonely because they were all speaking German. But they did a good job trying to help me feel included. On the first of January we picked up our rental car and headed back to Swaziland. We took our time getting home. We left on the 1^st and didn't get home to Swaziland until the 6^th of January. It was cool we got to go to the furthest tip of Africa and see South Africa! It was a beautiful drive. It was a long drive and if you know me I am not a big fan of car trips. So, it was a bit of a struggle at times for me! But looking back, it was a good trip and God taught me a lot through it, as he's been teaching me a lot through everything I do! I think the biggest thing was just appreciating his beautiful creation and finding joy in what I do and experience. It was a really good lesson for me to learn. I can so easily get wrapped up in my own feelings and views on things that I miss out on the simple joys of life or the simple beauty of life. It was really cool to just feel God changing my heart and receiving that joy from him. I'm not saying I don't still struggle with it because even while I was still on the trip and at moments experiencing that Joy I also struggled with being in a car most of the day! But God showed me that if I ask for his joy, for his help, he'll show up. Sometimes it's not in the way we think he'll show up but he's always there.