Healing Heart: A Rough Week 30

This morning (Monday), I woke up and felt a lot better than this past weekend. So I think I can write about last week now. The beginning of my week wasn't bad it was just really busy. Making sure kids got settled into school, running around buying school shoes for all the boys and then handing them out! They really appreciated that the church gave me the money to buy them shoes! So, my week was busy and I was fighting a cold so by Friday I was drained and glad it was the weekend. I would have to say Friday was one of the worst days I've had here, if not the worst! I woke up got ready for work, checked my email and found out that a really close family friend had passed away, Phil Nielsen. I grew up (since 6^th grade) with the Nielsen family and was really close to their daughters. So it killed me, is killing me, not being able to be home and be a support and have people around that understood what was going on and what I was feeling. I wanted to let them know that I loved them and was here for them. I got to send an email and text to my friend Courtney, which was better than nothing but I still wish I could be there for them right now! So, I found that out Friday morning as I said and then had to go to work. I was trying all day to hold it together. I went to the girl's home that morning and nothing really had been done in the week to finish up renovations. I went and talked with one of the girl's home board members and told her about it so she could talk with the director and get things figured out. I was in the office after that and was planning to take Ayanda, one of the girls from Mangwaneni who is my adopted niece (Mary-Kate is their mother), to Swagaa, an organization that helps girls and has counselling, at about 130. So, I get to the office and there is a family there with a potential girl for the home. So I end up waiting to go do a home visit. By the time we leave its 11:45 and it's 45 minutes away and so we don't get back to town until 3. So, I take Ayanda to Swagaa and we wait an hour only to be told that we have to come back next week. During this time, I received a phone call from a friend telling me that Tenele (another of my adopted nieces) isn't sleeping in her home at night because this man, a known criminal, is threatening to kill her and rape her. I called her but couldn't get a hold of her but found out she was staying with a friend at night. By the time I got home on Friday at 4:30-5:00pm, I was exhausted emotionally, physically, all of the above! I felt so helpless and couldn't do anything to help anyone. On Saturday, I got up and went to the bank and to the internet cafe, came home and watched movies until about 3 or so when I went and saw Tenele and made a plan to find her a place out of Mangwaneni until the girl's home opens. After that I spent the rest of the night in bed watching movies. I didn't want to have to think or be around anyone. I was feeling really emotional! Wanting to be home and not wanting to have to deal with anything! I wanted to block everything out and not think about everything that had happened the day before. I got to talk to my mom Saturday night and it helped some to talk with someone from home and hear how things were going. Sunday, I went to church, which was a lot harder than I thought. I sat there feeling suffocated by my emotions. I wanted to run away, get out of there. I don't know why though. I think I was holding so tightly to my emotions and what I wanted out of the situation that being there worshipping made it hard for me to maintain control. I stayed though. When the pastor spoke, he talked about the unproducing fig tree. The parable in Luke 13:6-9. It helped me to hear what he was saying even though it wasn't directly related to how I was feeling it was a good message. There was one thing that the pastor said that hit me hard. “You don't see things how God sees them.” It made me think and it gave me some peace about the situation. Even though I felt helpless and unable to do anything to help the situation, maybe what I had done was what God had wanted me to do and maybe I was exactly where I was supposed to be, even though everything in me wanted to be at home. It took awhile for that to sink in because after church I spent the whole day watching movies and again not thinking about anything. I got to talk to Dustin (my boyfriend) Sunday night and again it was so nice to talk to someone who understood what I was feeling and could help me through everything. So this morning I woke up and felt a lot better from the weekend. I learned that God has a plan for everything and even though I may feel helpless in situations that's okay because I should be relying on him to take care of things, He should be in control, not me! (Wow the control issue is big for me I think, it keeps coming up!) Life is unpredictable and can be scary and unfair (from our perspective) but knowing that God knows the plan and knows where he wants us to go is actually a lot more reassuring than I thought it would be for someone who likes to be in control and have everything planned. Now, that lesson just needs to stick so I don't have to keep learning it over and over again! ;)

“In the presence of your faithful people, I will put hope in your name for it is good!” -Psalm 52:9