A Rough Week 30

This morning (Monday), I woke up and felt a lot better than this past weekend. So I think I can write about last week now. The beginning of my week wasn't bad it was just really busy. Making sure kids got settled into school, running around buying school shoes for all the boys and then handing them out! They really appreciated that the church gave me the money to buy them shoes! So, my week was busy and I was fighting a cold so by Friday I was drained and glad it was the weekend. I would have to say Friday was one of the worst days I've had here, if not the worst! I woke up got ready for work, checked my email and found out that a really close family friend had passed away, Phil Nielsen. I grew up (since 6^th grade) with the Nielsen family and was really close to their daughters. So it killed me, is killing me, not being able to be home and be a support and have people around that understood what was going on and what I was feeling. I wanted to let them know that I loved them and was here for them. I got to send an email and text to my friend Courtney, which was better than nothing but I still wish I could be there for them right now! So, I found that out Friday morning as I said and then had to go to work. I was trying all day to hold it together. I went to the girl's home that morning and nothing really had been done in the week to finish up renovations. I went and talked with one of the girl's home board members and told her about it so she could talk with the director and get things figured out. I was in the office after that and was planning to take Ayanda, one of the girls from Mangwaneni who is my adopted niece (Mary-Kate is their mother), to Swagaa, an organization that helps girls and has counselling, at about 130. So, I get to the office and there is a family there with a potential girl for the home. So I end up waiting to go do a home visit. By the time we leave its 11:45 and it's 45 minutes away and so we don't get back to town until 3. So, I take Ayanda to Swagaa and we wait an hour only to be told that we have to come back next week. During this time, I received a phone call from a friend telling me that Tenele (another of my adopted nieces) isn't sleeping in her home at night because this man, a known criminal, is threatening to kill her and rape her. I called her but couldn't get a hold of her but found out she was staying with a friend at night. By the time I got home on Friday at 4:30-5:00pm, I was exhausted emotionally, physically, all of the above! I felt so helpless and couldn't do anything to help anyone. On Saturday, I got up and went to the bank and to the internet cafe, came home and watched movies until about 3 or so when I went and saw Tenele and made a plan to find her a place out of Mangwaneni until the girl's home opens. After that I spent the rest of the night in bed watching movies. I didn't want to have to think or be around anyone. I was feeling really emotional! Wanting to be home and not wanting to have to deal with anything! I wanted to block everything out and not think about everything that had happened the day before. I got to talk to my mom Saturday night and it helped some to talk with someone from home and hear how things were going. Sunday, I went to church, which was a lot harder than I thought. I sat there feeling suffocated by my emotions. I wanted to run away, get out of there. I don't know why though. I think I was holding so tightly to my emotions and what I wanted out of the situation that being there worshipping made it hard for me to maintain control. I stayed though. When the pastor spoke, he talked about the unproducing fig tree. The parable in Luke 13:6-9. It helped me to hear what he was saying even though it wasn't directly related to how I was feeling it was a good message. There was one thing that the pastor said that hit me hard. “You don't see things how God sees them.” It made me think and it gave me some peace about the situation. Even though I felt helpless and unable to do anything to help the situation, maybe what I had done was what God had wanted me to do and maybe I was exactly where I was supposed to be, even though everything in me wanted to be at home. It took awhile for that to sink in because after church I spent the whole day watching movies and again not thinking about anything. I got to talk to Dustin (my boyfriend) Sunday night and again it was so nice to talk to someone who understood what I was feeling and could help me through everything. So this morning I woke up and felt a lot better from the weekend. I learned that God has a plan for everything and even though I may feel helpless in situations that's okay because I should be relying on him to take care of things, He should be in control, not me! (Wow the control issue is big for me I think, it keeps coming up!) Life is unpredictable and can be scary and unfair (from our perspective) but knowing that God knows the plan and knows where he wants us to go is actually a lot more reassuring than I thought it would be for someone who likes to be in control and have everything planned. Now, that lesson just needs to stick so I don't have to keep learning it over and over again! ;)

“In the presence of your faithful people, I will put hope in your name for it is good!” -Psalm 52:9

Ntokozo looking cool in his new school shoes!

The Enjabulweni Boy's Home in their new shoes! 

"Our plans are not God's plans!" Week 29

Swimming at the pool for the Holiday Program!

The office reopened on Monday and my week was insanely busy from Monday-Friday! I helped a few kids get into school. We went and visited a few schools and then helped them register. I continued to help out some with the holiday program, swimming with the kids and playing soccer with them. Thursday morning we had a girl's home meeting and it looked like we were going to be able to open the girl's home by the end of January but then we went and saw the home. It seems as though it maybe sometime in February that it opens. At this point, we are waiting for the money to come in so that the renovations can continue. We have money coming from Hosea's Heart, a former volunteer, and an organization in Germany called Bon. Once all this money arrives we will be able to finish the renovations and start buying the furniture and appliances for the home. On friday, I went with Sister Judith, who is helping with the girl's home, to a furniture store to check on prices and see if we bought in bulk if we could get a discount. It was a very productive week. I felt like I had more of a purpose this week. I was feeling much better at the beginning of this week then last week. After our girl's home meeting on Thursday though, I was feeling a bit discouraged. The house mother I had met with fell through and then the home being open by the end of January appears to not be realistic. I think I had been trying to push things because I only have 4 and a half months left and I want to be in the home and work with the girls, and do what I came here to do. But as I've been learning our plans aren't God's plans! Thursday evening I was sitting on the balcony thinking about the day, and God just brought that phrase to mind, our plans are not His plans. I had been trying to push things and make them what I thought they should be, in the time I thought they should be and really I should've just been letting God in control. So even though I am at times frustrated with the situation and wonder what I'm doing here if the home isn't open yet, I know God has me here for a purpose and I know His plan is so much better than mine! So, I am trying to hold onto that truth. Our plans are not God's plans. We just have to trust that he has everything under control. (That seems to be a reoccuring lesson that God is teaching me! Trust Him and let go of control.)

"Struck down but NOT destroyed" (Week 28)

This week was kind of a difficult week. We got back from Cape Town on Sunday and Monday were right back into things, the office is still closed until the 14^th of January but there is always plenty to do. Since I've been back, I've been feeling out of place and maybe even feeling a bit attacked. I know the girl's home is opening soon and so I think things may get a bit harder before then. I think satan has been trying to discourage me and take away my joy this week. This week was rough emotions wise. I had to fight every day to remind myself why I am here and who God is. I had to fill myself with the truth to combat the lies satan was telling me! Overall, the week went well activity wise. We had a holiday program for the youth in the area. We played soccer, showed movies, had an art room for them to draw and color, and other things. It went well and the youth loved it! We did that Wednesday-Friday from 11-4. On Wednesday, I got a call from Betty, a volunteer, recommending a house mother. She gave me her number and I called her and set up a meeting for Friday. On Friday morning, I met with the lady, she seemed nice, smart, had experience working with girls before and had a 10 year old daughter. She had shared that she had some struggles in the past year but that she was doing much better. I feel like she is a good option. So I told her I would call her on Monday as she needs to meet with some other people on the girl's home board to be interviewed. However, after I met with her I found out information from a relative that I shouldn't hire her. I think this is one thing I have to let God in control of. On first impression, I feel good about her but sometimes people can fool you. I am still going to have her meet with the girl's home board and see what they think. I don't want to just disregard because maybe God wants to use her in the home. We will see how things go when the board meets with her. I am trying to let God be in control of things but it is more difficult then it seems! 

I've been telling people all week that I'm doing well and things are good but I'm really struggling right now. This is actually really hard for me to admit and write in my blog because I don't want people worrying about me at home, and I don't like to admit that I may need some help. I'm a pretty independent person and asking for help means I can't do it on my own and that I have to give up control of the situation (as I stated above). And God has been showing me how much control I like to have and how I need to let go and let him move. So on the one hand this week has been hard and emotional with wanting to be home and feeling lonely and out of place but on the other hand, God has showed me how much I need to stand apart from this world, how I need to let go control of situations I can't do anything about (like things with the girl's home at the moment) and let God move. I did a lot of praying this week to God for guidance and strength and even though it doesn't feel like it, I know he's got everything under control and I don't have to worry. He'll take my worries, my burdens so that I can be free of them! So, I would really love prayers for everything that is ahead in the next 4 and a half months before I come home! I want to let God use me to the fullest while I'm here. I don't want to come home with any regrets!!!

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30

The Holidays (Week 26 and 27)

Cape Town

So it's back to reality! I got home from Cape Town on Sunday and it's already right back into work but I'll save that for my next blog. The past two weeks have been really fun and hard at the same time. Starting at Christmas Eve, I went to a Catholic mass with the two German volunteers. (The church I go to didn't have a service because the pastor was away) It was really different from what I am used to and so I struggled with missing home during the service for sure but come Christmas day, we had a lot to do so it was a bit easier to be distracted. We had a Braii/BBQ with the kids and gave out their presents! They loved it! Also, Ayanda and Tenele came to visit me and I got to spend some time with them and give them their gifts! It was great fun! I gave the girl's their gifts and Ayanda, who's such a doll, gave me a cross necklace. It was so humbling to get a gift from her. She is 16 years old, has nothing, lives on her own and is giving me a gift. She is such a blessing and has had such a hard life but you can truly see Christ in her!

A beach along the coast on our drive back to Swaziland.

On Wednesday, we got up at 5am and headed to the bus rank to catch a khombi (mini bus/van) to Durban. We waited about 2 hours before it left and arrived in Durban at about 2-2:30. We camped at a backpackers for the evening and the next day took a bus from Durban to Cape Town.We left at 5pm on Thursday and got to Cape Town at 9pm on Friday. So it took us about 28 hours to get there! It was a long trip but not too bad because I slept a lot of it! When we got there we needed to find the Salesians, where we were staying. We forgot the address and were hoping that someone would be able to help us. Luckily, a taxi driver knew where it was and took us there so God definitely had a had of protection over us! So we stayed in Cape Town for 4 days. Cape Town is a beautiful city! It's right on the water and then on the other side is mountains! It is gorgeous! I could've spent so much more time there!!!! We spent New Year's Eve in Cape Town. We went to the waterfront and saw fireworks at midnight! It was cool. I think though I missed home the most that night! It was a fun night but I spent it with 10-15 Germans and I was the only American so at times it became lonely because they were all speaking German. But they did a good job trying to help me feel included. On the first of January we picked up our rental car and headed back to Swaziland. We took our time getting home. We left on the 1^st and didn't get home to Swaziland until the 6^th of January. It was cool we got to go to the furthest tip of Africa and see South Africa! It was a beautiful drive. It was a long drive and if you know me I am not a big fan of car trips. So, it was a bit of a struggle at times for me! But looking back, it was a good trip and God taught me a lot through it, as he's been teaching me a lot through everything I do! I think the biggest thing was just appreciating his beautiful creation and finding joy in what I do and experience. It was a really good lesson for me to learn. I can so easily get wrapped up in my own feelings and views on things that I miss out on the simple joys of life or the simple beauty of life. It was really cool to just feel God changing my heart and receiving that joy from him. I'm not saying I don't still struggle with it because even while I was still on the trip and at moments experiencing that Joy I also struggled with being in a car most of the day! But God showed me that if I ask for his joy, for his help, he'll show up. Sometimes it's not in the way we think he'll show up but he's always there.